Some days I just feel like crawling in a hole somewhere and crying until I just have no more tears to cry. This world can be so overwhelming at times. Today has just felt like one of those days.
Every time you think you finally have it figured out, life throws another curve ball. Nothing ever comes across the plate easily. Eventually, we find ourselves constantly thinking of what that next curve ball is going to bring. The unknown becomes our greatest fear. We lose someone that we thought would be with us through all of our special moments and suddenly we find ourselves constantly worrying about who we will lose next. Our bodies and health begin to fail us too soon and suddenly we realize all the mistakes we made in caring for ourselves over the years. Our children are suddenly thrown into these worlds where they are struggling and fighting to be normal kids and suddenly every waking moment of every day is about fighting that fight with them and worrying about what tomorrow holds. No one prepares you for any of this.
Losing my Mom before my kids had a chance to grow, before one even got the chance to know her; the pain is new every day. It’s always with me. Every time I look at my kids I think of how much I need her here to guide me through this. How much I long to hear her say I am doing a good job and it will be ok. How much I want her to tell me I haven’t failed as a Mother. How much I want her to give me the encouragement to keep pushing through all of this. It’s a hard thing; looking at your kids and feeling happiness and sadness at the same time. I have to force myself not to think about her. I have to push her out of my mind in order to smile and enjoy the happiness my kids bring me. No one prepares you for this.
Every day I look in the mirror and I see I how much I have aged. The stress of this life, past and present, has been unbearable at times for me. I have been through so much and I have fought so hard; every line on my face tells a story of that journey. What I wouldn’t give to have some of that youth back. Some of that energy to get me through the day or a spine that is fully intact and able to continue supporting me in this journey. Inside, I am still just as young as I used to be. Outside, my body tells a different story. No one wants to feel or look old, let’s be honest here. We all see ourselves as that same youthful 25 year old who was able to stay up all night long and go all day the next day for a week at a time. What we see and what is becomes two separate things. No one prepares you for this.
Day in and day out, my life pretty much revolves around my children now, one in particular. It’s hard enough just being a parent and worrying constantly about whether your children are safe and whether they are happy and healthy, but it’s so much harder to watch your baby struggle with learning and understanding things that come so easy for others. Worrying constantly about what will happen if my husband and I were to cease living tomorrow. The fear of that unknown is so overwhelming. I find myself praying every day for God to keep me alive long enough to see my baby grow and to ensure I have someone who I know can and will help him in this life journey if he needs it. It literally eats at your core and keeps you awake at night. For those parents who are dealing with their children facing life threating diseases, this fear and worry is even worse. I can’t speak for them, but I imagine they live in a constant state of minute by minute torment of uncertainty. Just imagining myself in their shoes is unbearable. This fear, in either case, is one that no parent should ever have to live with. No one prepares you for any of this.
I truly believe life is just one big test. We are pushed to our limits over and over while we are on this earth and if we leave this life with our faith still intact, we have passed the test. There are so many obstacles that will try to rip us apart and put us on our knees. Just reading the news every day hurts my heart. I often find myself crying about what is happening to others in this world; wishing there was something I could do to stop it. I have lost friends and family over the years due to death and/or disagreements. I carry that pain with me every single day. It seems the older we get, the more pain we carry and the harder it becomes to keep it together.
Even though I wasn’t prepared for any of this, I will carry on, cry when I need to, and pull it together to make sure that I pass this test.